Shattered

That's what happened to my confidence with Bean on Sunday.

We've hit a bump in our nursing routine.

Long story short, we were super busy over the weekend and I ended up pumping a lot (it was hard for me to stay on Bean's schedule, I had places to go) and we gave him about five bottles in a row.

Finally on Sunday night it was time to nurse and Bean would not latch on. It was so horrible. This was the one thing I could do for him that would always comfort him, and now it was making him angry. All he would do is scream into my breast. It was hard not to take it personally (I guess I am a little postpartum emotional). I felt he didn't want me.

I think another part of it is he's going through a growth spurt. Normally when we bottle feed him he would take 2.5 ounces, but over the weekend he would take 3.5-4. I know I have enough milk (when I pump I usually get 5.5 ounces), so it was so hard when he just wouldn't nurse with me.

Monday and Tuesday we did. . . ok-ish. He still gets upset about every 3 feedings or so at the end, screaming into my boob. Finally I broke down and called the lactation people at the hospital. The conversation went something like this:

Me: *explained how we got busy over the weekend and gave him about 5 bottles in a row*

Me: "So now he will still nurse a little, but at the end he just starts screaming and he won't even latch"

Lactation Nurse (LN): *in condescending tone* "And why do you think that is?"

Me: "Uh. . .because we gave him 5 bottles in a row?"

LN: "Yep! Bottles are easier for babies, and he doesn't want to work to nurse now."

Me: "Well what do I do? I'm worried about my supply going down because he's not nursing as long, but at the same time I don't want to pump because if I pump all my milk out he might not take the breast if he decides he wants to nurse an hour later"

LN: "Well you need to decide what to do. Keep your supply up and give him a bottle, or try and keep at it on the breast"

Me: "But is there anything I can do?"

LN: "Just decide what you want, but he might not take the breast again. Keep at it, he probably will."

Yeah, what the heck? It just wasn't what I wanted to hear, and I felt she was really talking down to me and blaming me for the situation I was in. We've given Bean bottles of expressed milk over the weekend before (not that many though) and he did fine going back to the breast. So now I'm really afraid to pump or give him a bottle. I just think if he won't go back to the breast I can't continue breast feeding (pumping exclusively). . . it's just too much. I hate pumping. It's something I think I could do at work, but I don't want to do it when I'm home with him. Plus it makes me so nervous about that special time for us ending so soon. I love breast feeding him. I've always said I'm not a super maternal woman, and breast feeding really helps me bond with him. At this point it's really something I need.

So that's the situation right now. I hope it gets better.