Tick Tock

I still have some time left, but I can't help but think about my inevitable return to work. I'm so torn over it.

For me it's not so bad I suppose. I'm alternating three days one week and four the next. I know I shouldn't complain. Some women have to go back to work full time. One of the reasons why I chose my career was because of the flexibility in hours. I knew that some day I would want a family, but I couldn't see myself being a stay at home mom. Oh how things change.

I'm learning that a lot (about change). I had so many preconceived notions that I thought would never change before Bean came along. I've always told myself, "no way I could EVER be a stay at home mom. I would go crazy!" Well, now I'm not so sure. That's not true, I still want to work, but not nearly as much as I thought I would.

I like my job, but I don't want to leave Bean for more than one day in a row. Did I tell you that I worked one day already? I didn't cry when I left, and it honestly wasn't that bad, but I think it was because I knew that the next day it would be just me and Bean again. I think in my perfect world I would work two days a week (not in a row). I like getting out and having some adult interaction. . . even if my conversation is limited because my patients don't speak English. . .heh.

I also don't think I could handle not bringing in some income. I worry way to much about money to do that, especially with the economy the way it is. But oh. . .leaving my little guy? I'm nervous about getting into that routine. Can I handle a full time job AND a part time job (with irregular hours I might add)? Even though my mom and a long trusted friend are going to be watching Bean. . . .I feel like we're just getting into a routine, getting to know each other . . . and in a few weeks it will all get turned upside down again. Eeep!

Be brave self!

Ironic

When I spoke with Karen (the lactation consultant) she told me it was ok for me to give Bean one bottle a day. I was really afraid to give one to him, for fear of regressing back to where we were, but I also really wanted a night out with my girl friends.

I hadn't been out since he was born, and I was dying for some grown up interaction and a glass of wine. Just after we were seated at our table and placed our order I got a text message from Hubs saying Bean had been crying for 30 minutes straight. He got a bottle to try and give it to him, and Bean wouldn't take it!! He said he just gagged and screamed and screamed.

Oh the irony. I was so worried that the one bottle we gave him was going to ruin breast feeding, and we ended up having the opposite problem. We had to get our food to go and I rushed home to nurse him.

Because I have awesome friends the night wasn't a bust. We chilled at home and Julie gave me a beautiful manicure (complete with paraffin hand treatment!). Oh, and I did get my glass of wine when we were waiting for our table at the restaurant. P.S. we didn't get carded. . . .ouch. :-)

So now after some advice of my wonderful super mom sister in law, she suggested Bean might be ready for the level 2 nipples on the bottle (that's maybe what upset him so much). I guess we will try that next time, but for now I'm happy just to keep him on the boob!

Nursing Update

I am happy to say, things are better. Not exactly where they were before this all happened, but they are better.

After a few more rough days I ended up calling the lactation people at the hospital again, this time I got Karen (the mom of a boy I grew up with!). She was so wonderful and supportive. Instead of making me feel stupid and that it was all my fault for the situation; she gave me ideas to help me push through it. I also got some wonderful support and advice from some real life and bloggy friends.

Nursing is still tough. There are times where he's still falling asleep at the boob, or he just won't latch. There still has been times where he screams and screams, but it's not every time.

Last week was rough, but we made it through, and we're still keeping at it. It's hard work, but it's worth it to me.

p.s. Look at how high he's holding his head up! He's also starting to grab at things. . . my baby is getting so big!

Little Moment

I walked into the bathroom getting ready to shower. I was rocking Bean in my arms, calming him down before I strapped him in his bouncy seat. As I was doing this he wiggled his way down in my arms, tucked his head under my chin, and closed his eyes (the way he does when he sleeps on my chest).

I skipped my shower and instead laid down on the bed with him.

So sweet.

My Sitcom Life

Sometimes my new life with our little Bean seems like a sitcom to me. . . . .for instance today. . .

I call this episode, "Battle with Bodily Fluids"

Scene: Me wearing Bean in the Moby wrap trying to fix my breakfast in the kitchen.

The cat meows a low guttural meow (I know this meow. . .this is her "I'm going to vomit" meow). I look around frantically as the heaving begins. I see the the cat in the family room, on the carpet of course. I run over to her, do a knee slide (a la James Brown) and fling her over onto the tile by the basement door. The puke hits the tile. Baby still sleeps soundly snug in the Moby. Success!

Me: "Gross."

I go and get some paper towels and disinfectant spray.

Scene: Later on, same day.

I am sitting on the couch, Bean in my lap in just a onsie, he has just finished nursing. He has burped and spit up only a tiny bit (that I caught with his bib. . .bodily fluids: 0, Me: 2) Then it begins.

Bean rips a giant fart and poop leaks all over my lap (fortunately not on the couch) and all over his legs and feet. It seemed like slow motion as I watched the poop leaking out of the diaper and onto my pants. You just sit there and watch it happen because you have no idea what to do except say. . . .

Me: "Ahhhhhhhhhhh! Nooooooooooooooo!"

I awkwardly carry him upstairs (I love my son but I don't really want to touch his poop) and put him on the tile floor in the bathroom. He's happy because he just ate so he kicks his legs all around spreading the poop all over the bathroom floor. I strip my pants off and run the bath to throw him in the tub. As the bath is filling Bean decides to spit up again. It pools on the tile and he rolls his head/hair all in it. What also made it funny is that Bean didn't cry at all through this It made me feel like he was doing it all on purpose for his (and my make believe studio audience's) amusement.

Me: "Gahhhhhh! Exorcist much?!?!"

I do my best and take the dirty clothes to wipe up the pooling nastiness on the floor. I get him cleaned up in the tub and put him onto the changing table to put some clean clothes on. As I snap the final snap on his sleeper he decides to spit up again down his front.

Me: "What? Geez!!"

I put him in clean clothes and put a bib on as quickly as I could.

Bodily fluids: 3, Me: 2. Right now I'm running a load of laundry with just my pants, shirt, and his onsie. It's not energy efficient, but I just don't think I can deal with any more fluids today.

End scene.

Seriously . . . sometimes I wonder if you can ever keep a baby clean. It was so nasty today, but I couldn't help but laugh and think the events seem like it'd be something I'd watch on t.v. :-) I took a picture of my poop covered pants and I MMS'd it to my Bestie and Hubs. . .I'll spare you guys though. Ha!

I hope this made you laugh!

Shattered

That's what happened to my confidence with Bean on Sunday.

We've hit a bump in our nursing routine.

Long story short, we were super busy over the weekend and I ended up pumping a lot (it was hard for me to stay on Bean's schedule, I had places to go) and we gave him about five bottles in a row.

Finally on Sunday night it was time to nurse and Bean would not latch on. It was so horrible. This was the one thing I could do for him that would always comfort him, and now it was making him angry. All he would do is scream into my breast. It was hard not to take it personally (I guess I am a little postpartum emotional). I felt he didn't want me.

I think another part of it is he's going through a growth spurt. Normally when we bottle feed him he would take 2.5 ounces, but over the weekend he would take 3.5-4. I know I have enough milk (when I pump I usually get 5.5 ounces), so it was so hard when he just wouldn't nurse with me.

Monday and Tuesday we did. . . ok-ish. He still gets upset about every 3 feedings or so at the end, screaming into my boob. Finally I broke down and called the lactation people at the hospital. The conversation went something like this:

Me: *explained how we got busy over the weekend and gave him about 5 bottles in a row*

Me: "So now he will still nurse a little, but at the end he just starts screaming and he won't even latch"

Lactation Nurse (LN): *in condescending tone* "And why do you think that is?"

Me: "Uh. . .because we gave him 5 bottles in a row?"

LN: "Yep! Bottles are easier for babies, and he doesn't want to work to nurse now."

Me: "Well what do I do? I'm worried about my supply going down because he's not nursing as long, but at the same time I don't want to pump because if I pump all my milk out he might not take the breast if he decides he wants to nurse an hour later"

LN: "Well you need to decide what to do. Keep your supply up and give him a bottle, or try and keep at it on the breast"

Me: "But is there anything I can do?"

LN: "Just decide what you want, but he might not take the breast again. Keep at it, he probably will."

Yeah, what the heck? It just wasn't what I wanted to hear, and I felt she was really talking down to me and blaming me for the situation I was in. We've given Bean bottles of expressed milk over the weekend before (not that many though) and he did fine going back to the breast. So now I'm really afraid to pump or give him a bottle. I just think if he won't go back to the breast I can't continue breast feeding (pumping exclusively). . . it's just too much. I hate pumping. It's something I think I could do at work, but I don't want to do it when I'm home with him. Plus it makes me so nervous about that special time for us ending so soon. I love breast feeding him. I've always said I'm not a super maternal woman, and breast feeding really helps me bond with him. At this point it's really something I need.

So that's the situation right now. I hope it gets better.

Can of Worms. . . . Vaccinations

I know I'm totally going to open a can of worms here. . . .but Bean's two month check up is coming up and I don't know what to do about his vaccinations.

I work in a really germy environment, so I know I want to vaccinate. But I'm really torn between the delayed schedule (a la Dr. Sears) and the one recommended by the American Academy of Pediatrics and the CDC.

Dr. Sears stuff makes sense to me, but I also read this article in the journal of the AAP totally debunking Dr. Sears book and theories saying he prays on parents fears just to sell books.

I'd really love to hear everybody's opinion.

If you worked in a dental office and people's spit flew on you daily. . . would you run the risk of taking a vaccine preventable infection home to your baby?

I guess I'm leaning towards the traditional. . . .ugh I don't know. Help!

Well Said

I love this post on Baby Making Machine.

I've learned lately about being flexible and being a mommy. I'm still working on it. People have these ideas of what is right and wrong for babies. . .here are a few I've read about on blogs.

Pacifiers. . . . .bad

Organic. . . .good

Junk Food. . . .bad

Clothe diapers. . . good

Disposable diapers. . . .bad

Breast Milk. . . . good

Formula. . . . bad

Natural birth. . . good

Medical interventions. . . .bad

While I'm so glad that I'm able to breast feed my baby, I wouldn't judge a woman that didn't want to. Honestly though, I might have before Bean was born. "Why wouldn't she breast feed?? (if she was able to)" I would probably say "It's so beneficial for the baby!" bla bla bla.

You really have no idea how hard somethings in motherhood are, or just the fact that it might not be for you. This is something I didn't understand until I became a mother.

There is no right or wrong way to raise your baby. I was formula fed; I'm perfectly healthy. I ate peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch probably every day at school from grades 1-7 (I'm really not joking here).

I think I turned out ok.

Now while I'm still not a huge fan of pacifiers (hello people, I'm a dental hygienist and they will eventually ruin your kid's teeth. . .dentistry is a huge part of my life, I have issues! :-) Yup, I gave Bean a pacifier, and let me tell you it's wonderful at 3am when he won't go back to sleep. Hopefully he won't use it much after 6 months, but hey, right now it's my best friend at night.

Just somethings to think about.

One Month Stats

Bean had his one month check up on Tuesday!

He is 9 lbs 9 ounces and 21 3/4 inches long. Everything looks normal and healthy. He got his second hepatitis B vaccine at this visit. I have never seen him turn so read or cry so much. I even got teary eyed. The nurse said it's always worse for the parents then it is for the child. I'm not sure if I agree with that, but it was definitely rough on me seeing my little guy in pain.

Other things?

He is wearing size one diapers now and most of his 3 month clothes fit well. The past few nights he's had at least one 5-6 hour span of sleeping which has been awesome for me. He's also focusing a lot more now. He loves to look at his rattling giraffe from his play mat. Last night he even tracked Jared's face with his eyes! Yay for our smart little Bean.

Guilty?

Today little Bean was a little fussy. I think he was constipated or gassy or maybe both. Oh how my life is so concerned with his bodily fluids.

Anyway. . .

I felt a little guilty today. For once it wasn't "mommy guilt" but "house guilt." Our house is a mess. When I finally got Bean to sleep, it was on my chest. When he was sound asleep my mind went to putting him in his napper and getting some house work done, but then I just kept looking at his sweet face nuzzled up to my chest and I just couldn't move. The only thought on my mind was I'm only going to get so many sweet moments like this, and each one is really the last one because he gets a little bigger every day.

So we snuggled, and I said to heck with the mess, it will still be there on the weekend when either Hubs or I are free to pick up. . . or maybe it will go till next weekend. We seriously need a cleaning service because I just don't want to sacrifice our family time to clean. I wonder how much something like that costs? Hmmmm.

ThunderSnow 2011

Guess what we got last night?

No, that's just Bean looking cute in his bear suit.

What's that you say? That's right! Snow. . .a lot of it.

We spent the day shoveling out the drive way and the deck. . .all ~20 inches of it. Snuggling in bed together (Hubs, Bean and me), napping, and eating comfort food were the highlights of the day.

It's hard to think we got 85% of that over night.

It's back to reality tomorrow, but it was a fun day off despite all the digging.