Urp

Bean claimed a new victim today.

Poor kitty

Now she probably hates him even more. :-)

Battle of the Boob

Do you like the post title? Like Battle of the Bulge. . .*cough*. . .Hubs came up with it when I told him I was having "Napoleon's last stand" with breastfeeding over the weekend. Blame him. :-)

Anyway. . .

I won the Battle of the Boob! Bean and I are still breastfeeding. It was rough. . .so rough (so much worse since I'm by myself and cannot hand over the baby when he's screaming and screaming)

I had to call in for reinforcements. I sent several e-mails and phone calls to some of my mommy friends (BTW - Thank you for your comments and support in my last post!).

I got lots of interesting, funny, and informative advice. One of my favorites, and one I had never heard of, was breastfeeding while walking. I'm very awkward when I breastfeed so the idea of walking while doing it was very intimidating. I don't go anywhere with out my Boppy pillow. I was so desperate that I braved my fear and gave it a try. It was still really really odd, but it did work, thanks Erin! (and by worked I mean for the short period I could hold him in position and keep my boob in his mouth. . . .yeah, I'm awkward) Just one more gun I can put in my arsenal.

I came, I saw, I conquered another breastfeeding hurdle!

Will I make it over the next one? Who knows, but I'll deal with that when it happens again. Because I'm sure it will.

Want to know something funny? Bean wouldn't take the bottle with the sitter today. . . . oh my little Bean, you are a difficult nut to crack sometimes. When I got home he nursed beautifully. *sigh* :-)

Another Breastfeeding Update

Remember when Bean was this little?

I always thought it was so crazy how they collapse on themselves into the position they were in the womb. That's how Bean got his nickname. . .from the ultrasound and then even out of the womb he looked like a little bean.

Anyway I just wanted to post an update on breastfeeding.

Oh how I wish that breastfeeding was such a beautiful experience all the time for me, but it's not. I'd say about 80% of the time it's really hard work. I always thought breast feeding was supposed to get easier over time? For Bean and I it's a roller coaster, one minute it's going up and the next it's going down.

Bean is all buisness when it comes to nursing. Don't get me wrong, I have experienced the cute half lidded eyes that flutter, and the way he sweetly pets my breast while he nurses. That wonderful bonding experience that I really needed as a first time self proclaimed "non-maternal" mother.

Sadly though, those moments are few and far between these days. He's always had trouble nursing during the day, but we always had those sweet moments for those dark AM nursing sessions. It seems those are going away as well. So now most of the time he scrunches up his face, latches on, and gnaws (it doesn't hurt, but it's the best way I can describe it). Then if my milk doesn't come down fast enough, or if the flow slows down he screams, gets rigid, pushes away at me, and (now that he's getting so good at grabbing) grabs at my shirt or nursing bra and flails it around.

The past two days I could barely get him to nurse for more then 2-3 minutes on each side. It's been so frustrating. Now my milk supply is diminishing. I always pump one extra time right before I go to sleep at night. Lately I've been getting around 5-6 ounces, last night I only got 2.5.

So now what do I do? He is making his diaper quota, but just barely. I'm ready to stop, but I also feel like I've come so far (and over come so many obsticles) that I hate to quit. There is also the mommy guilt of how good breast milk is for my baby, and of course the financial reason that I don't want to spend the money on formula.

I'm not sure what is going to happen over the next few days. I might start supplementing with formula, tough it out, or maybe stop completely. All I know is I can't take much more of this, it takes so much time to dedicate to it (right now after I nurse I'm pumping every time to try and get my supply back up. Combine that with washing and sterlizing pump parts, it's an hour process again) and I just don't have the time being by myself.

Wish me luck that today goes better.

Alone

I don't know how single parents do it.

I really don't.

Remember how I said Hubs was going to be traveling a little with his new job? Well, it's looking like it's going to be more then what the company said. . .a lot more. So much more that after I found out (which was right before I went to work of course) I bawled in the car the whole 35 minute drive.

He's going to miss our 5 year wedding anniversary, he's going to miss my first mothers day, he's going to miss Bean growing. . . . .I just kept thinking about these things and couldn't stop the tears.

Then I started feeling stressed. How in the heck and I going to work, run the house, take care of the yard (we have a TON of landscaping that needs constant upkeep), take care of Bean, AND some how manage myself? I hate having to burden other people for help, but I don't know how I will do it. I'm sure I will. . .I have to . . . but it's so scary. . . and well. . . .just not fun.

I was so looking forward to my new routine. My small wonderful family. Simple pleasures of each other's company at night. Evening walks in the warm summer air. And now all I can think of is being alone.

I know this post is kind of a downer. I like to keep my blog a happy place, but I'm just not feeling very happy these days.

Busy Busy

Before I start this post I just wanted to say that my last post was number 200! Wow! Happy 200th blog post to me! That was a lot of exclamation points. . . heh

Man life seems to get away from me these days. I thought things were crazy just taking care of the kiddo, but add work into the mix? Yowza.

It's honestly not a total bad thing. I think I do well under a little bit of pressure. Having the forced (horrible) work schedule makes me suck it up and get stuff done. On my maternity leave there was honestly no pressure to do anything. Clean the house? Eh, maybe tomorrow. Lets face it, nobody will die or starve from my dusty surfaces. You get the idea.

Speaking of chores, can I ask a random question here? How do you go grocery shopping with a baby? Because I haven't quite figured it out yet. The stupid carrier takes up the whole cart and you have no room for groceries (at least a serious shopping trip's worth). I know I could wear him, but it's been so freaking cold out I hate taking him out of the car seat. At any rate the weather is FINALLY warming up up here, so I guess my question is almost a moo point (it's like a cow's opinion, it doesn't matter. . .it's moo. Can you name where that quote is from?) But I'd still like to hear some suggestions. Normally I have to go with a second person so they can push the stroller while I push the cart.

Ok, back to my post. . .what was I talking about? Oh yeah, crazy life.

Leaving Bean to go to work was still hard, but it's nice to see he still knows me when I pick him up from the baby sitter. Today I got a huge smile from him and he instantly started cooing and babbling at me. It was adorable, like he was telling me about his day.

My day at work was SO busy today. Business is really picking up which is good, and it makes the day go by fast, but it also leaves me so so tired. I'm still taking all the nightly feedings. Hubs volunteers to feed him, but I would have to get up at least once to pump anyway so I usually just nurse him. Breastfeeding is so much work. I want to keep doing it, but I think I'd also like to stop. I love it when it goes well, but at the same time I would also love to let Hubs get up at night and sleep for 12 hours straight.

Well, it's getting late and I still need to get things ready for tomorrow.

Ta ta for now.

p.s. The cat is running around like a poofy mad woman right now meowing like crazy. . .I swear if she wakes the baby I'm going to punt her across the room. Not really. . .but I will be very mad.

Happy Birthday Ella!

One of my good friends had her baby today.

It seems like yesterday we were sitting down to lunch and I was telling her about the start of my pregnancy. I went on and on about how I never felt like I was pregnant, and if I had any symptoms, it was just sore breasts like when I was about to get my period.

Apparently this struck a chord with her because she went home and took a pregnancy test. . .and guess what? It was positive.

At the time I didn't know anybody that was pregnant (that lived close). I felt pretty alone. I was going to be the first of my friends to have a child, it's a hard spot to be in.

So then I get this facebook message two weeks later. It went something like this:

"Kristen after our lunch you really got me thinking, so I took a pregnancy test. You are never going to believe this, but I'm about 7 weeks pregnant"

I nearly died when I read that. I cried I was so happy for her, and well. . . .selfishly excited for myself to have somebody to talk to. Somebody who won't mind my constant baby talk because she was going through the same thing.

Oh how those 40 weeks fly by.

Happy Birthday to little (actually quite big 8lbs 13 ounces) Ella, and congrats to her amazing mommy. Welcome to the club Laura :-) You are going to be an awesome mom, I'm excited to be sharing this adventure with you.

Crib

I never blogged about how two weeks ago we put Bean in his crib for the first time.

I may or may not have cried.

It was bad timing, right before I went back to work. I don't know what I was thinking. In addition to the separation anxiety I was feeling about going back to work, lets add having the baby sleep by himself in his room.

Why is this so hard? It is literally 15 feet away, why am I not fine with this?

I feel embarrassed.

At any rate we are trying it again tonight. Hubs keeps pointing out how Bean almost wakes up when we come up and get ready for bed around 10. We don't want to ruin his decent sleeping habits.

I haven't cried. . . . yet.

At least Bean is doing well with it. He went down like he normally does, and has been sleeping up there since 7 (it's now 10:10).

Uh oh, I think I just heard him on the monitor. Think I should go get him? :-)