Remember when Bean was this little?
I always thought it was so crazy how they collapse on themselves into the position they were in the womb. That's how Bean got his nickname. . .from the ultrasound and then even out of the womb he looked like a little bean.
Anyway I just wanted to post an update on breastfeeding.
Oh how I wish that breastfeeding was such a beautiful experience all the time for me, but it's not. I'd say about 80% of the time it's really hard work. I always thought breast feeding was supposed to get easier over time? For Bean and I it's a roller coaster, one minute it's going up and the next it's going down.
Bean is all buisness when it comes to nursing. Don't get me wrong, I have experienced the cute half lidded eyes that flutter, and the way he sweetly pets my breast while he nurses. That wonderful bonding experience that I really needed as a first time self proclaimed "non-maternal" mother.
Sadly though, those moments are few and far between these days. He's always had trouble nursing during the day, but we always had those sweet moments for those dark AM nursing sessions. It seems those are going away as well. So now most of the time he scrunches up his face, latches on, and gnaws (it doesn't hurt, but it's the best way I can describe it). Then if my milk doesn't come down fast enough, or if the flow slows down he screams, gets rigid, pushes away at me, and (now that he's getting so good at grabbing) grabs at my shirt or nursing bra and flails it around.
The past two days I could barely get him to nurse for more then 2-3 minutes on each side. It's been so frustrating. Now my milk supply is diminishing. I always pump one extra time right before I go to sleep at night. Lately I've been getting around 5-6 ounces, last night I only got 2.5.
So now what do I do? He is making his diaper quota, but just barely. I'm ready to stop, but I also feel like I've come so far (and over come so many obsticles) that I hate to quit. There is also the mommy guilt of how good breast milk is for my baby, and of course the financial reason that I don't want to spend the money on formula.
I'm not sure what is going to happen over the next few days. I might start supplementing with formula, tough it out, or maybe stop completely. All I know is I can't take much more of this, it takes so much time to dedicate to it (right now after I nurse I'm pumping every time to try and get my supply back up. Combine that with washing and sterlizing pump parts, it's an hour process again) and I just don't have the time being by myself.
Wish me luck that today goes better.
Whatever decision you make will be the right one for you. If you choose to keep pumping I thought I'd pass on some info I learned recently about milk storage and cleaning pump parts. The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding (the LLL book) gives the advice that pump parts don't have to be sterilized after every use. You can either rinse with water and let air dry or you can put the parts still attached to the bottle in the fridge until the next use and just wash at the end of the day. That would at least save a little time. Be well, mama. You are doing a great job.
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you.
ReplyDeleteWe had a very easy time with nursing at the beginning (while my Sis-in-law had a very rough time) and then, he stopped nursing well so I become a slave to the pump to keep up with breastmilk for him. Ending it was rough on me, I was overwhelmed by Mommy guilt at stopping, but physically my body was telling me it was time to move on. After a while, I got over the guilt and--you know what?--I started being able to enjoy my time with baby more, because I wasn't worried about trying to find time to pump while he slept, so I got some sleep.
All you can do is figure out what is best for you.
One tip for keeping up supply (I had a baby that would only nurse at night so I needed help!), is to take an herb called Fenugreek. You can get it at GNC. It will help your supply (the downside? I started to smell like maple syrup when I was taking it because it is used as a flavoring in maple syrup).
Good luck! Don't let Mama guilt get to you--it's not worth the time.