We Made It

I never thought I'd make it, but here I am nearly 12 months later and still breast feeding.

What a roller coaster it has been. The first five months were ROUGH. Nursing strikes, screaming until let down, herbal supplements, walking while nursing, highs, lows, ups, downs. . . .*big sigh*

It did get better though, but we still had/have rough times. Lately Bean has started to self wean a little. Oddly enough he's giving up his before bed nursing session. I think it's because he's tired and impatient and NEVER wants to wait for let down and my supply is always lowest in the evening too. I don't have the patience to use my tricks to get him to nurse until let down, so lately I've just been trying for a minute or two, and if he screams I just put him to bed. And you know what? It's kinda nice.

Now that he's eating three meals a day and drinks sippy cups of water and juice, there really isn't that pressure to get him to do it. I remember how stressed I was in those first few months being the only one that could feed him, and the only source of food. Having to get up to pump even if Hubs took a feeding because I had to keep my supply up. The lack of sleep. . .oh the lack of sleep. . . .

It's a lot of pressure. Sometimes I questioned my decision to breast feed. Was I ruining his newborn/early months by stressing myself out over this? I'm supposed to be enjoying this because it goes by so quickly. Obviously I never quite got to that point where it was too much, but I'm telling you I teetered on the edge more than a few times.

When I first started breast feeding I couldn't wait until weaning, then things got better and I started having mixed feelings. Maybe I would breast feed longer then 12 months? I never thought that was for me, but I find myself holding onto it for some reason. I think it's because Bean is such an on the go kid, so those sweet moments where we cuddle and he nurses (when it goes well) are so important to me. Also? Change is hard for me. I'm a gal that likes my routine, which is hard to accept (in general) as a parent because things are constantly changing as your child grows. On the flip side I am SO looking forward to not having to pump any more before bed and at work, and I'm crossing my fingers that maybe my boobs will shrink a little because they are way too big for my liking. NONE of my old tops fit. It's really annoying.

Anyway, I'm not quite sure yet how the next month will play out, but I'm definitely proud of myself for making it this far! It was quite a tough journey. I'm going to try and not be sad about weaning and focus on getting excited that after almost two years to finally have my body back to myself!

11 Months

Dear Bean,

I can't believe we are one quick month away from your first birthday. The older you get the bigger your personality gets. It makes me a little nervous that you are only 11 months old and already have such a strong will and mind of your own.

In the past month you have discovered button pushing. You love to cruise over to the cable box and push the on/off button over and over. Cable on! Cable off! Cable on! Cable off! It cracks me up. You have also learned that sometimes buttons do things. When you are pushing the cable box button you will watch the t.v. go on and off. You will also watch the t.v. to do stuff when I let you play with the remote. You are so smart!

I caved and gave you one of your Christmas presents early. A barn yard magnet toy for the fridge. You love to stand and rip the magnets off the fridge and fling them every which way. There is also a button on the top of the barn that you love to push as well, it makes the barn play music.

I have been trying over and over to teach you to clap your hands while we sing "If You're Happy and You Know It," but all I can get you to do is flail your arms up and down excitedly. You haven't quite grasped the concept yet, but it makes me smile to watch you try.

You are babbling all sorts of sounds now, but I'm not sure if you know what any of them mean. You are also finally babbling dada (much to your father's delight). There are some things I know you understand though. "No" because you always cry and get upset when I say it. "Come here" you will usually come to me when I say that, and "more." I have been trying to teach you the sign language sign for "more." You will do it on occasion, but only when I prompt you, I've never seen you do it on your own yet.

You still love eating. Pretty much anything we put in front of you you gobble up. Lately you've started to throw your food on the floor when you are done eating. I feel like I'm on constant clean up duty in the kitchen, especially since you eat 3 meals a day now. Sometimes I feel like as soon as I get the breakfast mess cleaned up it's time to feed you lunch!

You love to walk with your dino push toy. You get so proud when you are walking and giggle the entire time you do it. You haven't figure out how to steer it yet. You get going so fast and then collide with anything that gets in your way.

You don't like reading books yet. Every time we show you an open book, you crawl over and close it and then gnaw on the corners. The only books that slightly hold your attention are the "touch and feel" type books. You love to "pat the bunny." This might also explain why you love grabbing handfuls of cat hair off the cat.

You are no longer my squishy little new born. Always on the go and into everything I see you turning into a toddler before my very eyes. It blows my mind to think of having conversations with you in just a few short months, but I know it will be here before I know it because this year has gone by so fast.

Happy 11 months baby.

Love,

Mama